Jokes ‘n tales

A skip was having a hard time from the other three in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the game.

At the last end the third walked down to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up the rink. “Where’s oor nearest bool?”.

“In yer ******* hand!”, answered the skip.


Lead: “How much am I short?”

Skip: “You ought to know, you’re closer to it”


The Scottish club secretary was visiting a fellow bowler in a brand new hospital, and asked about the place and things in general.

“The nurses are very good and so is the treatment” came the reply, “But the food gets a bit boring.”

What do you mean boring asked the secretary ?

Well we get “Haggis” for breakfast, “Haggis”for our lunch and then “Haggis”again for supper.

Well what do you expect says the secretary!

“THIS IS THE BURNS UNIT”

 

A guy who owned a bar won the lottery and to thank his customers he sold all drinks for 10 pence.

Two fellas walk in and each orders a beer.  That’s be 20 pence, says the bar owner.  “20 pence!  I can’t believe it.” says one of the customers.

So the bar owner explains why he does this.  Anyway, the two fellas order a couple of more rounds: double scotch on the rocks each and then brandy.  Each time it’s just 10 pence a drink.

As they’re drinking their third drinks, they notice three people at the opposite end of the bar and they’re not drinking anything.  They’re just sitting there, chatting.

One of the customers leans over to the bar owner and says, “What’s with those guys?  How come they’re not drinking?”

Oh, they’re lawn bowlers.” answers the bar owner.  “They’re waiting for happy hour.”


 

The team’s manager said that his top player would have performed better at the last tournament, if it hadn’t been for the drinking and smoking and sex . . . especially between ends.


 

 

The Bowlers’ own language – how to translate

 The Sport of Bowls has its very own language which can totally mystify anyone who hears it, but hasn’t had the pleasure of throwing a bowl in fun or earnest.  For the information of the uninitiated, here are a few terms translated into standard English.

  • “Good weight!” = lousy line
  • “Good line” = lousy weight
  • “Good back bowl” = you were lucky you didn’t put it in the ditch
  • “That’s in their way” = that’s in my way
  • “That could be useful up there” = that bowl is closer to you than it is to the jack
  • “Get it next time” = you sure didn’t get it this time
  • “He’s surprisingly good” = you’re surprised he ever makes a shot
  • “I’d bowl with him any day” = he always buys the first round

 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.